Sunday, August 17, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Anyway, that conversation started a long time ago, but a few months back, Bagel read an article about the hookers in Grand Theft Auto IV, and how they have reached the Uncanny Valley. What's interesting here is a few things: 1) This started as a conversation about my own idiosyncrasies and in turn became about something Jeff could empathise and relate to and even more importantly made me realize I am not crazy or alone: 2) that there is a convergence between how people feel about every-day, normal things and the speed of technology: 3) that these people who think they have reached the Uncanny Valley in video games/animation/media are dead wrong.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Wedding plans are coming along, we had a teleconference with our caterer at some ungodly hour of the morning on Friday, and we both feel better now. I am still looking for a photographer, florists and hair-stylist so if y'all know of anyone locally please let me know. The girls have picked out some really cute dresses too so I know we'll all look out best. Hopefully sans ham arms. I may put a picture of a ham on the fridge as an extra motivator. 30 lbs to go to reach my goal. 30 lbs in three months. Yikes. I suppose if I need inspiration I can go to some of the pro-anorexia websites I stumbled upon in research for diet pills. This is easily the most fucked up thing I have ever read/ seen on the web and that's saying something. Just google the term "thinspo" (an oh so clever smash up of the words thin and inspiration) and you will see shit like this picture and much worse. I was telling Jeff today that his parents must have been relieved to have three boys, boys being much easier to raise. Dealing with the potential for abuse, pregnancy and body image is a lot of shit to deal with as a parent. I know I am NOT going to so what my mom did, making me feel badly every time I ate and famously saying things like "Do you really have to eat dinner every night?" and "If you keep eating ______ you're going to weigh 600 pounds!" I know now that she didn't want me to go through what she did, being heavy as a teenager and later having a serious eating disorder. But all the scrutiny only made me have a bad relationship with food. I still hate eating with other people as I feel they are analyzing what I eat the entire time. I remember when I was 9 I made a diet up for myself that included raw carrots for dinner. I was fucking 9, y'all. Anyway, the important thing now is to lose weight without sacrificing my health for it. No ephedra this time. If I don't reach my goal weight then I that's just the haps. I'm not going to kill myself over ham arms. I'm also not giving up Char-grill forever.
Monday, June 9, 2008
So Jenny and I looked at pictures of ourselves from high school and I couldn't believe it because, apparently, at one time, we were children.
I know that sounds ridiculous but until last night, I had forgotten how young we were when it all started. I guess I always thought of us in terms of how old we were. It may seem like semantics, but honestly, until I saw my barley adolescent face smoking and writing on the train (to? from? Rochester?) I hadn't realized that we did not emerge after age 12, fully formed from one another's foreheads.
I decided something this past week, I realized I was ready to forgive people from my past that hurt me, let go of grudges I have harbored for too long. It feels good, to suddenly realize that I'm not angry any more, and shouldn't have been for awhile. It was a long time ago. We were children. I've only been hurting myself more by staying angry.
I told Jenny last night that it feels like that moment on the train I had with her, when we left Rochester for the last time, when I convinced myself not to be in love with Bobby. It was that easy, it was just the rational choice. I chose it, and it left me.
That's what it feels like now, but it was less deliberate, it didn't even fully crystallize until a few nights ago. This time, it left me, without me even realizing it was happening. I feel like I just had surgery to remove some enormous and cancerous mass, but I don't remember anything about it, I just feel better now.
Ugh, I'm really tired, I'm in stats and not paying attention.
So after I picked up Jenny we drove around Cary, futilely looking for a divey bar where the beer would be cheap. No Jack Astor's or big box chain restaurants with $4 beers for us. Apparently those bars don't exist in Cary. So we went to Pantanna Bob's on Hilsborough, and drank cheap domestic beers, and talked and talked and talked. Then I looked at my phone and it was 11.
This always happens when I'm with Jenny, I lose time, or it speeds up, goes too quickly.
She said something funny, she said she feels like she is just now catching up to who Owen was when he was 18. It old her that killed me because I feel like I am just now catching up with the person she was when she was 18.
We talked about the moments in our respective lives when we realized we were atheists. If Nabokov wrote a sentence about Jenny's experience it might read something like:
"I lost fate in God (Cheesecake Factory, traffic) because it doesn't make sense how we got from there to here."
If Nabokov wrote a sentence about my expereience it might read as follows:
"I lost fate in God (Bart Simpson, dead pets) because heaven doesn't make any sense to me."
So I had a little too much to drink amidst all this talk and we had to call Jeff and have him drive Jenny back to Cary. He's so nice, he wasn't mad at all, in fact he was happy we finally had a chance to catch up. I'm a grateful bagel indeed.
Congratulations to Sara and D., he's beautiful. Welcome to the rest of your lives.
Friday, June 6, 2008
OK love you all, i think I was going to say something about how all of you should read more contemporary fiction b/c these writers are writing about right now, and it matters to read right now more than any other time. All I'm saying is that if all of our parents had actually read one Flew Over the Cooku's Nest maybe state funded psychiatric facilities wouldn't be in the state the are in. (Thanks B & H!)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Things that should not transpire in a phone call about Rehearsal Dinner:
1) No one parents should be labeled "cheap" for not being able to afford another person's vision.
2) No one should attack the groom to be b/c they are mad at his parents.
3) No one should forget that the groom to be, when taken out for his birthday by his future in-laws, offered to pay and then thanked the future in-laws copiously.
4) Some people should stop bringing up the bride's weight every fucking minute to avoid driving her to self loathing and impossible expectations.
5) No one should have to explain that "can't afford it" means "doesn't make money like you do"
6) No one should then recite a litany of instances when the future in laws paid for the future son-in-law (five over three years) and then be told he isn't grateful and acts like "it's just expected"
7) No one should call their mom a fucking asshole three times and then hang up.
8) No one should feel this miserable about getting married so maybe it's understandable that someone called someone else and told them that they don't want their help if it's going to be like this.
Ready to elope.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
We bought a Honda Fit, which seems right as far as nomenclature goes, and wierdly enough everyone who sees it keeps saying, "That seems sooo you and Jeff!!!". I don't know what that means but I'll take it and we've named him Carlos. So, Hola Carlos! Como esta? Muy bien? Me too!
Yikes! We have a car paymet now! What next babies?
That reminds me, I had a dream a afew nights ago that I was hanging out with Sara's family, and her Dad was talking nonsense about wrenches, but I'm pretty sure that Sara went into labor the night I dreamed this b/c we have that wierd distant frined/psychic thing going on. I miss her and I lvoe her, and I want all the (gory) details.
Oh yeah, we went bowling with Marco and Tanya anf Paul and Jen and even Jenny showed up for a minute. We had the best time and I broke my high score of 47 (!) to reach the apex of 91. Oh, and I danced like a mad-woman to Lupe Fiasco and 50 "fitty"cent and Jen said I had some good moves. I'm just warming up to my 30th B-day party in D.C. Pics to follow.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Things People Bought.
1) Full House the Complete First Season.
Now this may not seem funny on the outset to you, but what has always killed me about this is the hubris I employed when I stated upon it's arrival, "Oh My God, no one is EVER going to buy this shit. They replay those fucking shows like ten times a day on TNT not to mention it's like the worst show ever." I put it out on the floor and twenty minutes later some sad sack brought it up to the counter and bought whilst I was having a complete conniption fit.
2) Clay Aiken's "Auto-biography". It was a "straight" guy in a polo.
3) Undercover Babies.
Picture babies in trench coats yielding handguns. Not really but still it's pretty ridiculous. Not found in the humor section, btw, but the romance section. My favorite part? The caption highlighting that these are "Top Secret Babies".
4) Macully Culkin's "novel" Junior. This happened just the other day. I, yet again, challenged the Gods when I said, while pricing it, "Who the fuck wants to read a novel by that Schmohawk?" Apparently women unhappy in there lives.
5) Some movies that we sell consistently that make me ponder the collective intelligence of the public; Zeus and Roxanne, Six Days, Seven Nights, Gigli, Dunston Checks In, Left Behind: The Movie, Left Behind II, Chairman of the Board, From Justin To Kelly, Baby Geniuses, Son of the Mask.
You get the idea.
Things People Sold.
Sometimes when you are processing the merchandise of a particular customer you catch an intimate glimpse into their psyche. Personally, I wish this happened less often. Take the case of the newly divorced forty-ish year old woman. Books brought to be sold included:
Intimacy in Long Marriage: Sustaining the Passion for Years to Come.
365 Things to Do in Bed to Spice Up Your Love Life
Healing the Rift: Overcoming Distance in Your Marriage.
Is He Cheating On You? The Way to Know Without Asking.
Love Hurts: How to Forgive Infidelity.
The North Carolina Guide to Divorce.
Children and Divorce: Beyond the "It's Not Your Fault" Philosophy.
Single After So Many Years: The Woman's Guide to Dating after Divorce.
2) sometimes it's not what you sell but what you bring it in. Like Kitty Litter boxes. Not Completely cleaned out of litter. One day it happened twice in a row. Seriously.
3) Personal journals. I have no idea what compels people to try to sell their journals but it happens all the time. Sometimes it's those layman's psychology inspirational crap that people only partly fill out. Like this one that asks you a series of questions that you answer by maing lists. Questions inlcude;
Q:What is something about you that no one knows?
A: I use the word niger. [sic]
A: Live a Gothic lifestyle.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Books I have not read, or only read part of, or simply could not finish.
1. The Old Man and the Sea
2. The Brothers Karamazov
3. Gone with the Wind
4. War and Peace
5. Out of Africa
7. Infinite Jest
9. The Dark Tower series, book 2
10. Oliver Twist
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
1. Independence Day
2. Rambo (all)
3. The Godfather II, III
4. The Crying Game
6. The Piano
7. Ben Hur
9. It's a Wonderful Life
10. A musical, any.
Some movies I have seen, for no good reason.
1. Mr. Bean's Holiday
2. Osmosis Jones
4. The Wicker Man, both
6. The Holiday
7. Music and Lyrics
8. Wild Aces
9. Spare Change 9/11 film
10. 15 and Pregnant (with Kirsten Dunst.)
I know I'm not the only one.
Friday, March 28, 2008
This week it finally started to feel like Spring, what with the temperature in the seventies during the day and in the sixties at night. Sleeping with windows open, putting together furniture and realizing we needed the air on, Bean actually working up a a pant on his thrice daily walks, and diving head first into lilacs, violets, dandelions.
Driving to work I keep catching whiffs of Springs past, the one where Sara and I picked flowers for our Moms on I-40 for Mother's Day, the one before eighth grade graduation, in the first moony days of lust and love with Justin Williams, the one when I called in sick to work at Blue Ridge to drink forties and smoke cigars with Melanie and Sasha, the one when Jenny was pregnant and she came over to watch ER with my mom and I. What I have been deeply reminded of this week, however, is that restlessness that inevitably comes over a grade school classroom this time of year, that itchy all over, yearning for the outdoors, blacktop basketball courts and endless bike rides up the main thoroughfare of Shelbyville, catching the ends of branches just budding over sidewalks already littered with seed pods, the first grass clippings of the year, hop scotch diagrams and the detritus of that adolescent equinox.
As much as I wish I could be outside watching Bean somersault into neighbors' wildflowers I know I don't want to be outside one tenth as much as I did when I was ten and looking at Springtime blossom outside my elementary school windows, oddly conscious of the sound of hands rustling under desks, the way Brady Kugn's legs looked in yellow basketball shorts, the restive sigh of pages as they turned and we waited, oh waited, for that final bell to ring.
I hope when I have kids some of that unabashed longing to run outside at the first opportunity comes back. I'm thinking a lot about kids lately, what with preparing for my wedding and Sara and her gorgeous pictures and talking with Jenny about Jos, and now also I can finally tell everyone that my sister-in-law, Angelita, is preggers. She and Chris are on a "babymoon" right now, sunning in glorious Mexico, actually enjoying the outdoors instead of writing about it.
When I saw my OBGYN she sort of blew off my concerns about fertility despite the fact that she's the one who told me it would be a problem for me years ago. As soon as she heard that we weren't actively trying she made me feel like my concerns weren't valid, that if I hadn't been trying for a year then she wasn't even going to talk about my fertility, or lack there of, or what I should do to get ready to have a baby. Needless to say I am in the market for a new OBGYN.
When we were in DC we stayed at our friend Paul's Mom's place, a gorgeous house in Mt. Vernon, literally blocks from GW's famous house. His mom and her partner Lisa were out of town but for the last few months friends of theirs have been staying with them while their house gets remodeled and I met and hung out with them and got some good advice. They said that first of all doctors, even good ones, often don't understand how emotionally taxing being afraid you can't have kids can be and that at the very least I should find one who understands my situation and won't make me feel badly about having (valid) concerns. Secondly they said that in their experience, you go through life thinking you'll have kids one day and then your twenties go by in a haze, your thirties are dedicated to furthering your career and then one day you wake up, your forty and you want a baby and it might be too late. They are undergoing IVF right now and I wish them the best as they seem like they'll be great parents. They did make me feel better about going that route if I need to as I am younger and will have a better chance of conceiving.
OK, anyway, next time a much lighter post about farting or something.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
We keep asking Bean, when he licks his crotch or does other unsightly acts, if this is the behavior he will display in Our Nation's Capital this weekend. We are taking Bean and going with friends, Paul and Jen, to D.C. for a nice little mini vacation. Bean got a haircut and we are ready to go. We will definitely post pictures upon our return, probably something like Bean pissing on the bushes in front of the White House. If only that sentence could read "...pissing on the Bushes in front of the White House."
By the way, I am getting kind of wedding burned out. Too many emails regarding vest color or the ongoing debate about ties vs/ kerchiefs or whatever. I hope to return with new found enthusiasm. Mostly it's because the store I manage moved the weekend after we got engaged and things have been really hectic since. Jeff and I have barely been able to see each other, let alone figure out invitations and registries. Also, Becca asked me if I wanted a bridal shower and a Batchelorette party and I said both but then felt weird and greedy.
What else? I'm giving Dennis Lehane another chance after watching the excellent Gone, Baby, Gone with the always tasty Casey Afleck. I am still not convinced he can write worth a damn. But the book is different enough from the movie to keep me interested and he writes half-way decent dialog. I finished Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets which is a book written by David Simon, one of the guys who created and wrote The Wire. It was the best true crime book I've ever read and really, it's more like crime literature than crime fiction. There are lots of stories out of that book that later went on to inform the characters and the dialog of The Wire. One of my favorites is about a guy named Snot Boogie and how one night he got shot and killed for running off with a big pot from the corner craps games. One of the guys who had money in that pot talked to the primary investigative detective and told him that yeah, Snot Boogie always did that, came around, played a few rolls and waited for the pot to get big then ran off with the loot. It was just a matter of time before someone took out Snot Boogie. The detective asked this cat why they let Snot Boogie play, if he always ran off with the pot. The guy looked at the detective incredulously, saying, "We had to let him play, this is America."
Speaking of The Wire I hooked another person on it, and as my newest victim to the addiction that is the greatest television show ever written I welcome Daniel.
I haven't seen Jenny in two weeks or more and that makes me very sad. She should call me.
Friday, February 29, 2008
I saw Jenny this week and she shamed me saying "It's gotten to the point where I've stopped checking." Pregnant pause and sigh. Alas, here I am guilty and beaten into posting. We should all be so lucky to have someone in our lives to kick our asses without resorting to violence. Just guilt. Ha, that's funny, you can read that sentence in two ways and both are true.
So I'm engaged. That's crazy. (I sound like Brian Fellows.) I'm super excited about the wedding. So far we've booked the reception site, the caterer, the photographer, asked our bridal party and made our (enormous) guest list. I'm looking at dresses and Jenny suggested (after looking through an enormous wedding magazine and complaining about girls who are far too thin and dresses that looked more edible than wearable) that I post my favorites and let y'all vote. OK?