22 Lbs. and counting

Two words:

Wedding dress.

(not actual dress)

As much as I want a Caesar salad, hamburger from Char-Grill, sweet potato hash and pork chops, a sausage breakfast bagel from Brueger's or any of a number of my favorite foods, the terror of wedding pictures displaying what I affectionately call my "ham arms" (not actual arms) is enough to motivate me to eat better, healthier and be more active. The whole sleeveless things with corset back helps too.

It reminds me of when I was on Vision Quest and all I wanted were real cigarettes, a Dr. Pepper, and a sausage McMuffin from McDonald's. I managed the soda and the cigarettes within ten minutes of leaving camp and while others were reveling in the beauty of birds doing it while they sunbathed naked on the rocks, I was too busy thanking God for concrete, laundry detergent and nicotine. I remember the looks I got as I lit up that first camel, and though it was not a proud moment for me, it was one where I was unabashedly myself with no apologies. After that, I swore I'd never go camping again and that has been an easy promise to keep. I do not heart nature.

Jeff has lost 25 lbs too and looks great. He is growing a beard that makes him look all George Michael-y right now but the verdict is out on whether he actually gets to keep it. I have very sensitive skin, after all, and as hot as he looks with it, I'm not sure it's worth beard burn.
Wedding plans are coming along, we had a teleconference with our caterer at some ungodly hour of the morning on Friday, and we both feel better now. I am still looking for a photographer, florists and hair-stylist so if y'all know of anyone locally please let me know. The girls have picked out some really cute dresses too so I know we'll all look out best. Hopefully sans ham arms. I may put a picture of a ham on the fridge as an extra motivator. 30 lbs to go to reach my goal. 30 lbs in three months. Yikes. I suppose if I need inspiration I can go to some of the pro-anorexia websites I stumbled upon in research for diet pills. This is easily the most fucked up thing I have ever read/ seen on the web and that's saying something. Just google the term "thinspo" (an oh so clever smash up of the words thin and inspiration) and you will see shit like this picture and much worse. I was telling Jeff today that his parents must have been relieved to have three boys, boys being much easier to raise. Dealing with the potential for abuse, pregnancy and body image is a lot of shit to deal with as a parent. I know I am NOT going to so what my mom did, making me feel badly every time I ate and famously saying things like "Do you really have to eat dinner every night?" and "If you keep eating ______ you're going to weigh 600 pounds!" I know now that she didn't want me to go through what she did, being heavy as a teenager and later having a serious eating disorder. But all the scrutiny only made me have a bad relationship with food. I still hate eating with other people as I feel they are analyzing what I eat the entire time. I remember when I was 9 I made a diet up for myself that included raw carrots for dinner. I was fucking 9, y'all. Anyway, the important thing now is to lose weight without sacrificing my health for it. No ephedra this time. If I don't reach my goal weight then I that's just the haps. I'm not going to kill myself over ham arms. I'm also not giving up Char-grill forever.