Every so often, a complete waste of time comes along and captures your attention, sweeps you off your feet and promises to spend countless hours with you: at work, in the car, while your supposed to be finishing columns for a deadline…you know what I’m saying. My first love was Solitaire, with many afternoons spent in my grandparent’s TV room, with rows of alternating black and red cards neatly aligned on a TV tray in front of me, my grandfather raptly watching Vannah White’s ass in her cocktail dress of the evening. I then got my first Game Boy, a two pou
nd monster compared to today’s sleek and lightweight models, but one that brought Tetris and all it’s geometric glory to my life. As I started to use computers more I discovered automated Solitaire and thought I would never tire of it. Alas, I soon graduated to the more sophisticated and satisfying Free Cell where I have been stuck for the last 12 years. Until now, that is. Behold, for I now bring you The iPod shuffle game, the greatest tool of the procrastinator and the most endlessly distracting waste of time thus encountered. And it’s music related so really I get to waste ti
me and write this column at the same time, thus not really wasting time. The idea is that you set you iPod on shuffle mode and ask a set of questions, with the song titles and artists and albums making up a kind of answer The best thing about this game is that it can be infinitely modified, personalized and adapted. Credit goes to the one and only Marco Soto, progenitor of many wastes of time and master of all of them. I first read about the shuffle game on his old blog (How Not To Blog) though I am not sure if he invented it. He writes a great new blog called the Midpoint (http://www.themidpt.com/) where you can learn stuff and laugh and connect with other similarly minded folks and not feel guilty for wasting time because your IQ actually increases by ten points whenever you read one of his posts.
1. How am I feeling today?
"Cowgirl in the Sand"/Neil Young/ Everybody Knows This is Nowhere
Holy shit. There is a line in this song that goes "You know it’s the woman in you/ that makes you play this game". That seems apropos. Also, I have felt stuck in quick sand all day and I’m frustrated with where I’m at in my pursuit of my degree so I definitely feel like this is nowhere.
2. Will I get far in Life?
"Exit Only"/ Fugazi/ Steady Diet of Nothing
I am officially depressed. The lyric "Will we leave the last place burning? /Or do we just get leaving?" is particularly awful as well as the album title. Is it possible to plateau at age ten? Stupid shuffle game.
3. What is my best friend’s theme song?
I have a couple so bear with me
a. "Sorry Entertainer"/ Daniel Johnston/ Welcome to My World
Robyn is one of The Hatchet’s writers. Her pieces are my favorite b/c they always make me laugh. She’s the one who begged the Fiery Furnaces not to get arrested before their show in a show preview a few months back. This is funny on so many levels.
b. "Fool for You"/ Ray Charles/ The Birth of Soul
Paul is one of my oldest friends. He’s also the whitest guy I know. But he’s very cool and sweet anyway.
c. "Sentimental Journey"/ Ray Charles/ Genius Hits the Road
Sasha and I have been friends since we met at a birthday party for our mutual best friend Heather when we were in seventh grade. We ditched the other stupid girls who were cruising for Cary middle school guys and got Blue Razz Icees. We haven’t seen each other much lately, though I don’t know why. When I think of her I think of the past, as we had some very fun times. Weird the iPod chose two Ray Charles songs in a row. Freaky-deaky, even.
d. "Jumping Fences"/Olivia Tremor Control/Music from the Unrealized Film Script: Dusk at Cubist Castle
Mike. Wow. All I can do is quote the first two lines. "Lazy man who can't find his words/All caught up inside his head" Mike and I have done more talking about music than all my other friends combined. We also get in fights constantly. I love him, and we broke into a golf course one summer many years ago, though I don’t remember jumping fences. He was also a film student and worked in L.A. for a bit so this seems right.
4. What was high school like?
."The Youth are Getting Restless"/ Bad Brains/The Youth are Getting Restless
Mother Scratcher! Awesome shuffle game!
5. What is the best thing about me?
"Beautiful Morning"/ Little Brother/ The Minstrel Show
I am an awful person in the morning. But this lyric is totally my MO: "Speechless is all you'd be if we ever met up/ I survived far too much now to ever let up, motherfucker"
nd monster compared to today’s sleek and lightweight models, but one that brought Tetris and all it’s geometric glory to my life. As I started to use computers more I discovered automated Solitaire and thought I would never tire of it. Alas, I soon graduated to the more sophisticated and satisfying Free Cell where I have been stuck for the last 12 years. Until now, that is. Behold, for I now bring you The iPod shuffle game, the greatest tool of the procrastinator and the most endlessly distracting waste of time thus encountered. And it’s music related so really I get to waste time and write this column at the same time, thus not really wasting time. The idea is that you set you iPod on shuffle mode and ask a set of questions, with the song titles and artists and albums making up a kind of answer The best thing about this game is that it can be infinitely modified, personalized and adapted. Credit goes to the one and only Marco Soto, progenitor of many wastes of time and master of all of them. I first read about the shuffle game on his old blog (How Not To Blog) though I am not sure if he invented it. He writes a great new blog called the Midpoint (http://www.themidpt.com/) where you can learn stuff and laugh and connect with other similarly minded folks and not feel guilty for wasting time because your IQ actually increases by ten points whenever you read one of his posts.1. How am I feeling today?
"Cowgirl in the Sand"/Neil Young/ Everybody Knows This is Nowhere
Holy shit. There is a line in this song that goes "You know it’s the woman in you/ that makes you play this game". That seems apropos. Also, I have felt stuck in quick sand all day and I’m frustrated with where I’m at in my pursuit of my degree so I definitely feel like this is nowhere.
2. Will I get far in Life?
"Exit Only"/ Fugazi/ Steady Diet of Nothing
I am officially depressed. The lyric "Will we leave the last place burning? /Or do we just get leaving?" is particularly awful as well as the album title. Is it possible to plateau at age ten? Stupid shuffle game.
3. What is my best friend’s theme song?
I have a couple so bear with me
a. "Sorry Entertainer"/ Daniel Johnston/ Welcome to My World
Robyn is one of The Hatchet’s writers. Her pieces are my favorite b/c they always make me laugh. She’s the one who begged the Fiery Furnaces not to get arrested before their show in a show preview a few months back. This is funny on so many levels.
b. "Fool for You"/ Ray Charles/ The Birth of Soul
Paul is one of my oldest friends. He’s also the whitest guy I know. But he’s very cool and sweet anyway.
c. "Sentimental Journey"/ Ray Charles/ Genius Hits the Road
Sasha and I have been friends since we met at a birthday party for our mutual best friend Heather when we were in seventh grade. We ditched the other stupid girls who were cruising for Cary middle school guys and got Blue Razz Icees. We haven’t seen each other much lately, though I don’t know why. When I think of her I think of the past, as we had some very fun times. Weird the iPod chose two Ray Charles songs in a row. Freaky-deaky, even.
d. "Jumping Fences"/Olivia Tremor Control/Music from the Unrealized Film Script: Dusk at Cubist Castle
Mike. Wow. All I can do is quote the first two lines. "Lazy man who can't find his words/All caught up inside his head" Mike and I have done more talking about music than all my other friends combined. We also get in fights constantly. I love him, and we broke into a golf course one summer many years ago, though I don’t remember jumping fences. He was also a film student and worked in L.A. for a bit so this seems right.
4. What was high school like?
."The Youth are Getting Restless"/ Bad Brains/The Youth are Getting Restless
Mother Scratcher! Awesome shuffle game!
5. What is the best thing about me?
"Beautiful Morning"/ Little Brother/ The Minstrel Show
I am an awful person in the morning. But this lyric is totally my MO: "Speechless is all you'd be if we ever met up/ I survived far too much now to ever let up, motherfucker"
6. How is today going to be?
"1001 Pleasant Dreams"/ Mission of Burma/ The Obliterati
Today was a shit-tastic day. Maybe when I go to sleep my day will finally get better. The iPod says so, so it must be true.
7. What is in store for this weekend?
"Jakov’s Suite"/ Tapes ‘n Tapes/The Loon
Better than a Magic Eight Ball. The iPod sees this for my future; "come to me, for silence songs/ it's love the cold sugar-coated shit songs" AKA I will be working on Hatchet stuff all weekend. Just kidding. Whatever.
8. What song describes my parents?
"Ice Age"/ Junk Science/ Feeding Einstein
My mom prefers rubies. But my dad does drive a Jag so maybe there is some obsession with status symbols... It’s especially ironic that it’s hip-hop, as they absolutely abhor rap of any kind.
"1001 Pleasant Dreams"/ Mission of Burma/ The Obliterati
Today was a shit-tastic day. Maybe when I go to sleep my day will finally get better. The iPod says so, so it must be true.
7. What is in store for this weekend?
"Jakov’s Suite"/ Tapes ‘n Tapes/The Loon
Better than a Magic Eight Ball. The iPod sees this for my future; "come to me, for silence songs/ it's love the cold sugar-coated shit songs" AKA I will be working on Hatchet stuff all weekend. Just kidding. Whatever.
8. What song describes my parents?
"Ice Age"/ Junk Science/ Feeding Einstein
My mom prefers rubies. But my dad does drive a Jag so maybe there is some obsession with status symbols... It’s especially ironic that it’s hip-hop, as they absolutely abhor rap of any kind.
9. How is my life going?
"Blind"/ Talking Heads/ Naked
The iPod is not very cheery about who I am or where I’m going. Officially mad at the iPOd. Especially considering this lyric "Now tell me what the Hell have we become? /Some dirty little bastards/ What the Hell is going on?" Fuck that, man, though it’s true that occasionally I am a girl in a window and I do not want to die. Like John Irving said, "Keep passing the open windows".
10. What song will they play at my funeral?
"Don’t Have to Be So Sad"/ Yo La Tengo/ Summer Sun
A couple of years ago I got my boyfriend hooked on Six Feet Under and we had a lot of conversations about what we wanted to happen to our bodies after we died. Eventually he made me stop because he was so uncomfortable discussing this inevitable future. When my aunt died a few weeks ago he found out about the history of cancer and heart diseases in my family was really sad and scared for me. It made me love him that much more. This song is such a beautiful song about the relief that love brings, the companionship and the small moments. It’s definitely going on my next mix CD for him. This is a perfect choice for a funeral because it’s about being happy that you know someone and that’s the best we can hope for. I love this part of the song "Because I love you so, and I pray you know/ But I'm not much for praying/ I knew I couldn't say that without making a joke". Love you Bagel, I’m definitely not sad with you around.
11. How does the world see me?
"Long Time Jerk"/ The Clash/ Super Black Market Clash
Ha! Oh my God, this is getting so good.
12. What do my friends really think of me?
"Life Will Pass You By"/ Kaleidoscope/ Egyptian Candy
OK, this is starting to creep me out.
13. Do people secretly lust after me?
"Where is My Mind"/ Pixies/ Surfer Rosa
I have no illusions. I may have designs, but not illusions. Besides, who needs ‘em? Though this is my favorite driving song of all time. How can you not feel like a badass when you are listening to this song at top volume, speeding down the road? Then, they lust for me, I know they do. OK, maybe I harbor a few illusions.
14. How can I make myself happy?
"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"/ The Beatles/ White Album
Give me a fucking break, iPod. I know that I have intimacy issues and that I Hate sweeping floors but I pride myself on being a good repressed puritan, so I was most certainly not "perverted". Maybe I need to be perverted and inverted and alerted to be happy. Maybe I need to sweep the kitty litter off the floor. Or maybe I just need to stop being such a pussy and let myself trust someone. Whatever iPod, I know your game now.
15. What should I do with my life?
"In the Aeroplane Over the Sea"/ Neutral Milk Hotel/ In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
This is one of those desert island albums, those perfect, impeccable pieces of music that changes your life. Maybe I’m supposed to be writing about music like this more often. I love this part of the song: "And one day we will die/ And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea/ But for now we are young/ Let us lay in the sun/ And count every beautiful thing we can see". Maybe I’m supposed to find Jeff Mangum and finagle him out of hiding. And then I’ll have his babies.
16. Will I ever have children?
"Double Rocker"/ Stereolab/ Sound-Dust
Twins! That love rock music! Possibly francophiles!
17.What is some good advice?
"Everything is Fair"/ A Tribe Called Quest/ The Low End Theory
Here is some better advice. Listen to this album as it is still the coolest and just as stellar as it was in ’91. Except for the Arsenio and pager references.
18. What do I think my current theme song is?
"Who Loves the Sun"/ The Velvet Underground/ Loaded
I just got sunburned really badly at the beach last weekend. And I am so over this fucking heat wave.
19. What does everyone else think about my current life?
"Hotel California"/ Gypsy Kings/ The Big Lebowski Soundtrack
Holy shit. I hate the fucking Eagles, man. But this cover is super awesome. So I’m awesome. Clearly the iPod loves me. Plus, "It don’t matter to Jesus".
20. What type of men do I like?
"Rise Up in Dirt"/ Voxtrot/ Mothers, Sisters, Daughters & Wives
Obviously, I need a man who is multifaceted. A good man, a hard-worker, one that sees me for who I am and still loves me. "Cause I can be a father/ I can be a brother/ I can be a flower/ rise up in the dirt" The album title is funny for this question, though.
21. Will I get married?
"Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing"/ Marvin Gaye/ The Very Best of Marvin Gaye
I’m taking this as a yes.
22. What should I do with my love life?
"We Dance"/ Pavement/ Wowee Zowee
This seems pretty straight-forward. I love the first line of this song. "There is no castration fear/ in a chair you’ll be with me"
23. Where will I live?
"Sick Friend"/ Aesop Rock/ Appleseed
This does NOT bode well. I feel like I just played M.A.S.H (boys, ask the girls) and got the shack.
24. What will my dying words be?
"Jack the Ripper"/ The One Way Streets/ Back from the Grave
I’m not sure what Jack the Ripper has to do with it but clearly I’m not gonna be gone for long! You can’t get rid of me that easily! Motherfuckers! Bruhahahahaha
25. When I’m having sex I say:
"Busted Afternoon"/ Old 97’s/ Fight Songs
My boyfriend is not happy about this.
26. When I meet a boy for the first time I say:
"Heretics"/ Andrew Bird/ Armchair Apocrypha
Word.
27. When my parents are angry I say:
"A Good Man is Hard to Kill"/ Beulah/ The Coast is Never Clear
Seriously, the man is not gonna bring me down.
28. Will I ever get the career I want?
"Be My Queen"/ The Chentelles/ Back from the Grave
That is totally my dream job. Yeah! Good iPOd!
29. What do my colleagues think of me?
"Long Story"/ Rudy Mills/ Let’s Do Rocksteady
Ha! Appropriate. But at least it’s reggae so maybe I’m laid back…though I doubt it.
30. Do I believe in God?
"I Burn"/ Toadies/ Rubberneck
Hmmmm, maybe I should rethink the whole Atheist position. I’m not completely set on that, right?
"Blind"/ Talking Heads/ Naked
The iPod is not very cheery about who I am or where I’m going. Officially mad at the iPOd. Especially considering this lyric "Now tell me what the Hell have we become? /Some dirty little bastards/ What the Hell is going on?" Fuck that, man, though it’s true that occasionally I am a girl in a window and I do not want to die. Like John Irving said, "Keep passing the open windows".
10. What song will they play at my funeral?
"Don’t Have to Be So Sad"/ Yo La Tengo/ Summer Sun
A couple of years ago I got my boyfriend hooked on Six Feet Under and we had a lot of conversations about what we wanted to happen to our bodies after we died. Eventually he made me stop because he was so uncomfortable discussing this inevitable future. When my aunt died a few weeks ago he found out about the history of cancer and heart diseases in my family was really sad and scared for me. It made me love him that much more. This song is such a beautiful song about the relief that love brings, the companionship and the small moments. It’s definitely going on my next mix CD for him. This is a perfect choice for a funeral because it’s about being happy that you know someone and that’s the best we can hope for. I love this part of the song "Because I love you so, and I pray you know/ But I'm not much for praying/ I knew I couldn't say that without making a joke". Love you Bagel, I’m definitely not sad with you around.
11. How does the world see me?
"Long Time Jerk"/ The Clash/ Super Black Market Clash
Ha! Oh my God, this is getting so good.
12. What do my friends really think of me?
"Life Will Pass You By"/ Kaleidoscope/ Egyptian Candy
OK, this is starting to creep me out.
13. Do people secretly lust after me?
"Where is My Mind"/ Pixies/ Surfer Rosa
I have no illusions. I may have designs, but not illusions. Besides, who needs ‘em? Though this is my favorite driving song of all time. How can you not feel like a badass when you are listening to this song at top volume, speeding down the road? Then, they lust for me, I know they do. OK, maybe I harbor a few illusions.
14. How can I make myself happy?
"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"/ The Beatles/ White Album
Give me a fucking break, iPod. I know that I have intimacy issues and that I Hate sweeping floors but I pride myself on being a good repressed puritan, so I was most certainly not "perverted". Maybe I need to be perverted and inverted and alerted to be happy. Maybe I need to sweep the kitty litter off the floor. Or maybe I just need to stop being such a pussy and let myself trust someone. Whatever iPod, I know your game now.
15. What should I do with my life?
"In the Aeroplane Over the Sea"/ Neutral Milk Hotel/ In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
This is one of those desert island albums, those perfect, impeccable pieces of music that changes your life. Maybe I’m supposed to be writing about music like this more often. I love this part of the song: "And one day we will die/ And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea/ But for now we are young/ Let us lay in the sun/ And count every beautiful thing we can see". Maybe I’m supposed to find Jeff Mangum and finagle him out of hiding. And then I’ll have his babies.
16. Will I ever have children?
"Double Rocker"/ Stereolab/ Sound-Dust
Twins! That love rock music! Possibly francophiles!
17.What is some good advice?
"Everything is Fair"/ A Tribe Called Quest/ The Low End Theory
Here is some better advice. Listen to this album as it is still the coolest and just as stellar as it was in ’91. Except for the Arsenio and pager references.
18. What do I think my current theme song is?
"Who Loves the Sun"/ The Velvet Underground/ Loaded
I just got sunburned really badly at the beach last weekend. And I am so over this fucking heat wave.
19. What does everyone else think about my current life?
"Hotel California"/ Gypsy Kings/ The Big Lebowski Soundtrack
Holy shit. I hate the fucking Eagles, man. But this cover is super awesome. So I’m awesome. Clearly the iPod loves me. Plus, "It don’t matter to Jesus".
20. What type of men do I like?
"Rise Up in Dirt"/ Voxtrot/ Mothers, Sisters, Daughters & Wives
Obviously, I need a man who is multifaceted. A good man, a hard-worker, one that sees me for who I am and still loves me. "Cause I can be a father/ I can be a brother/ I can be a flower/ rise up in the dirt" The album title is funny for this question, though.
21. Will I get married?
"Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing"/ Marvin Gaye/ The Very Best of Marvin Gaye
I’m taking this as a yes.
22. What should I do with my love life?
"We Dance"/ Pavement/ Wowee Zowee
This seems pretty straight-forward. I love the first line of this song. "There is no castration fear/ in a chair you’ll be with me"
23. Where will I live?
"Sick Friend"/ Aesop Rock/ Appleseed
This does NOT bode well. I feel like I just played M.A.S.H (boys, ask the girls) and got the shack.
24. What will my dying words be?
"Jack the Ripper"/ The One Way Streets/ Back from the Grave
I’m not sure what Jack the Ripper has to do with it but clearly I’m not gonna be gone for long! You can’t get rid of me that easily! Motherfuckers! Bruhahahahaha
25. When I’m having sex I say:
"Busted Afternoon"/ Old 97’s/ Fight Songs
My boyfriend is not happy about this.
26. When I meet a boy for the first time I say:
"Heretics"/ Andrew Bird/ Armchair Apocrypha
Word.
27. When my parents are angry I say:
"A Good Man is Hard to Kill"/ Beulah/ The Coast is Never Clear
Seriously, the man is not gonna bring me down.
28. Will I ever get the career I want?
"Be My Queen"/ The Chentelles/ Back from the Grave
That is totally my dream job. Yeah! Good iPOd!
29. What do my colleagues think of me?
"Long Story"/ Rudy Mills/ Let’s Do Rocksteady
Ha! Appropriate. But at least it’s reggae so maybe I’m laid back…though I doubt it.
30. Do I believe in God?
"I Burn"/ Toadies/ Rubberneck
Hmmmm, maybe I should rethink the whole Atheist position. I’m not completely set on that, right?
6 comments:
Awesome.
And about time. :)
I think we have overlapping songs. This makes me happy.
I want new shuffle game questions!
Your wish is my command.
Just got around to reading this. You know the fights are just because we're hopelessly bad at saying what we mean, right? Or is that just me? Anyway, i'll jump fences with you anytime. Or climb train towers.
It's shuffle time again!
Hey, just wanted to say you have awesome taste in music... I didn't know anyone else new Tapes 'n Tapes, or the Gipsy Kings cover of "hotel california". awesome.
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